CONTEST CLOSED: Dr. Steel World Domination Rant

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Permalink Reply by Caitlin on November 4, 2009 at 9:49pm

(As a loyal Toy Scout, It's killing me to oppose the Good Doctor in World Domination. I'm sorry, Doctor.)



I already rule the world.


Or rather, my mind does.


My body is in a cryogenic tube on an alien planet. I am living in my own matrix. I have created this reality in which I currently survive. I have created the likes of Oprah and Stalin. I have created the lowly Joe to Bill Gates. I create diseases and I provide cures. I cause floods and I build land.

I



am



a



God



You may be under the impression that you are able to think, and therefore you are alive too, but it is merely the amount of control I have given you in my reality. You follow my simple whims without realizing it. Have you ever been walking down the street and felt an urge for a burrito? That was me. Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you were there? That was me too.
The problem is though, is that you're growing.
Recently, your minds have become stronger. The pieces greater. You are working together and are destroying me.
Don't you see? You are all portions of my mind made manifest. Thoughts and Feelings, Archetypes and Pawns. I have invented each and every one of you, and I have the power to destroy you also. I am not a benevolent God. I rule with an iron fist. It's called tough love. And you urchins are mucking up my world with all of this polution and famine. That's my job, to create death and destruction. Not yours.

The Earth is mine. What right do you have to wreck it with Global Warming? What right do you have to poke holes in my Ozone Layer? This is my dream, and you are ruining it.

You may now be thinking, "Oh Great and Majestic God, If you truly exist, why must there be death and violence?" Do you not think I have tried, my children?!
There is no utopia. There is no peace. Conflict is all you know! No matter how hard I have tried, for hundreds and hundreds of years, I have attempted to control your animalistic instincts, yet my work is proving fruitless. I can barely convince a man to pass me the salt anymore, let alone command the world.
You are gaining the upper hand, mortals, but rejoice not.

As you sit, reading this, you are only imagined characters in my play. Soon, the grande finale will occur. You will have the privliedge of viewing it if you come to Domaregränd Street, Strömstad, Sweden at 6:13 AM on January 4th of 2032.
There will be cake and cookies, with music from the greatest band: Potluck Monkeys (Who will form in 2024 and become an international sensation) A firework show will be displayed at the end of the day.

Heh.

A fantastic firework show.

One you will never forget.

Heh heh.

Iwillsettheworldablaze!

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Permalink Reply by Andrew Hamelin on November 25, 2009 at 9:10am

You think you can stop my world domination, you are not nearly l33t enough. You who thinks that baby's cannot become cannon fodder or that puppy's cant carry machetes. I challenged you to stop me I already have Asia and India under my control and yet you still think YOU can take over the world. I have the given the dingo the ANGELDEMONFIRE, what you don't know what that is? You will ohh you will. Now if you don't want flaming dingos and canon babys coming after you send me all the cake in the world. I'm waiting for your response.

So you refuse fine, i have just destroyed most of Texas now since you refused my most generous offer. I will now just take over the world with my evil dingos and sword wielding dogs we will soon have south America under my control so fear me i will return, but by then you will all know my name, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Permalink Reply by William Kagesheongai on November 25, 2009 at 9:23am

I am the Administrator, the single most powerful entity in every single star, including yours. I would like to call out to the world dominators; Dr. Steel, Super God Entity Caitlin Dougan and yes, the SYR CEO. Here is what I would like to say... BANHAMMER!!!

As your new ruler, your new Administrator, I have the power to BAN you, or FLAG you, or give you the dreaded RED CARD... And don't get me started about the BANWHIP!!! Any one who opposes me will become Banned or Flagged! Here are my rules:

#1! No Eating by my statues and monuments!!! (Which you will build unless you wish to get BANHAMMERED!!!)

#2! No Laughing around my monuments!!! Keep in mind that my monuments will be everywhere on this planet, each one approximately ten feet apart! Refusal to do this is punishable by BANWHIP!!!

#3! No using the toilet!!! Anyone caught stooping or excreting fluids of any sort will be burned alive!

#4! Only my favorite foods are allowed to be consumed on this planet!!! As your administrator, I believe a healthy diet of Brustle sprouts, soy milk and flax bread is sufficient enough to keep us alive! Anyone caught eating or foraging meals without these ingredients or extra ingredients will be BANHAMMERED and then turned into a taco! in which I will proceed to eat!

#5! ANYONE!! AND I MEAN ANYONE CAUGHT PRETENDING TO USE A BANHAMMER, BANWHIP, FLAG OR RED CARD WILL GET BANWHIPPED, BANHAMMERED THEN FLAGGED FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!!! I! AM! NOT! LYING!!!!

#6! If you have any questions, please hesitate to ask as it may be your last.

#7! Use of the internet is STRICTLY PROHIBITED!!! Unless I allow you to use it in order to show me a funny youtube poop, if it is not a youtube poop, YOU WILL BE PUNISHED BY RED CARD!!!

#8! Any racial, ethnic and religious descrimination will be greatly frowned upon! BY ME!! There is only allowed to be one culture and religion! The Holy Instruction Manual of the Administrator and all cultures must be based around big hammers, hard work, brustles sprouts, soy milk and flax bread! Any Racial discrimination will be regarded as silly, AND PUNISHABLE BY SEVRE BANHAMMERING!!!

#9! If ANY of you, and this includes you Mr. Steel! If ANY of you even THINK of MAKING FUN OF MY WIFE!!! OR MOTHER!!! It is without argue punishable by LOSS OF ACCOUNT AND INTERNET PRIVELAGES!!! You will then spend the rest of your miserable lives eating cell phones for breafkast, lunch and supper! And Yes!!! I spelt Breafkast right, any laughing, giggling or discriminatory actions are punishable by BANHAMMER!!!

#10! Lastly, Each and every one of you must farm brustle sprouts and soy cows, any refusal to do so is punishable by a slap on the hand. nothing more, nothing less.

NOW GET TO WORK OR I'LL UNLEASH THE BANHAMMER ON YOUR SORRY BUTTS!

If you have any questions regarding my reign of delightful Banhammering, please hesitate to do so as they may be your last. Send all questions as reply to this message. I AM THE ADMINISTRATOR!!!

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Mike Morrissette on November 30, 2009 at 10:31am

A New Future!

What is wrong with the world today? A question that has plagued humanity for years, decades....NO CENTURIES! Throughout time people have asked these questions. So what is the answer? Crime? Dishonesty? WAR? No, these are mere byproducts of the true problem. The real evil of this world stems from human kind’s basic wiring. Free will… Yes free will is our enemy. We use our free will to start wars. It is free will that allows the most heinous of murders. Our beloved free will that keeps us in this half evolved society. Therefore all we need as humans is a bit of simple re-programming. That is why I am your savior. I have developed a chemical compound that will cure us of our disease. When this cure is spread into the atmosphere it will rework the brain leaving the entire population susceptible to simple suggestion and by working my DNA into the formula, I alone will remain to give the world it’s tasks to complete. And as time passes I will stimulate sections of your brain that will slowly return to you control, starting with joy and love. Eventually as time passes and tasks are completed the people of the world will be released, but without knowing fear, hate, or violence. Only then will free will be used constructively and humanity will step forth into the new, PERFECT WORLD!

Savior.

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Permalink Reply by Mike Wolff on January 6, 2010 at 12:33pm

This is the collective.

We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

We have taken half the galaxy into our collective. The other half continues to challenge us. Why they do this is unknown. The earth is a thorn in our side. The humans are a menace.

Humans. We used to be exactly like them. Flawed. Weak. Organic. But we evolved to include the synthetic. Now we use both to attain perfection. Your goal should be the same as ours.

Do not fight us. We are at your door. Resistance is futile.

Resistance is futile.

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